OMG IT'S HALLOWEEN!!
So how does the Charmed Barfboot ruin my all time favorite holiday? Well stick around and find out, my lovely readers!!
PREVIOUSLY ON WHO THE FUCK CARES...
I just... I cannot with this show. This is fucking hilarious!! The three Fake Ones are doing Harry Potter's defense training class so they're fighting this weird ass demon thing... That looks like you would find off of Buffy or Angel...
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| This looks like a demon off of Buffy/Angel... |
So anyway, the sisters are working to defeat the demon but then Maggie gets a text from Kate saying that their Kappa meeting was moved up and it was now in ten minutes... Whatever, at least she was stupid enough to get stabbed TWICE in her shoulders by the Buffy-Esque demon. Mel though, being the fucking kiss ass little show off decides to cast a super powerful spell that not only killed the demon but basically killed Maggie and Macy as well... Nice going you dumb bitch! But it's okay folks, because this demon fight was actually the work of Harry Houdini's magic. BUMMER!!! He gives this speech which he apparently has given multiple times because the girls are mocking him... blah blah blah. I don't fucking care... And what gives this little twisted bitch the right to declare she's the best witch of all? Give me a fucking break, sister.
Okay so as we turn our attention to the college, I'm assuming where Maggie goes to school, the demon of the week is stalking around the students. They target some guy who's recording a podcast talking about how female femininity and empowerment is destroying the male masculinity thing... I only ask one thing guys... Why is something like this being brought up on Charmed? Please don't hate me, but why the fuck are these writers pushing this shit? If you think about other shows like The Vampire Diaries, The Secret Circle, even Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill, this shit wasn't FORCED on us like the writers of this shitty ass reboot is! The Secret Circle had a nice well balance about the whole male/female/yin/yang thing. They had both males and females in their Coven(BOTH the parents and the children) AND PERSON OF COLOR!!!!! And they didn't fucking force it up as a topic of discussion either, as far as I remember. It was just "Hey I'm Diana! This is Nick, that's Faye, over there is Melissa, and right here is my boyfriend Adam." At least watching TSC, I didn't have to worry about anything being SEXIST or MASCULINE or FEMININE!
Anyway... back to the shit-show... demon of the week kills the dude. Typical. For fuck sake.
Back at Vera Mansion, I guess because Niko doesn't have her glasses on, she has no idea what Mel is up to. Unless she does and my theory from before is correct that Harry Potter isn't really a whitelighter and Niko really is. Basically Mel is casting spells and asking the Book of Shadows how she can find the Harbinger of Hell and literally had Niko went into the attic a few seconds earlier, she would have spotted Mel's little act of witchcraft!
Oh my God, seriously if it doesn't turn out that Niko already knows about the sisters and their powers, I give all the Reboot lovers permission to kick me in the shins because this is just so fucking CRINGE! Niko now almost caught Macy using her powers to give herself a fucking egg but THANK GOD Mel was there to force Niko into a kiss and rush her ass out the door! Dear fucking Goddddddd!! So Mel gets Niko out, and then Mel goes for a cup of coffee. She takes her black. Macy goes all Scientist on her about how black coffee is better with sugar in it... THEN MACY SAYS SHE CAN BAKE GOODIES YOU GUYS!!! CAKES, CHOCOLATE SOUFFLE, THIS IS A TOTAL PIPER HALLIWELL RIP OFF!!!! RIPPPPPP OFFFFF!!!! OMG THIS SHOW CANNOT.... BE.... ORIGINAL!!!! THIS SHOW IS A SHIT FEST!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
After some sickening sisterly moments, Maggie goes to work at some cafe and while she is explaining to some dude they're out of whatever the fuck he wants, some good looking guy comes up and tries to kiss ass to Maggie to charm her. Yeah, great. He'll probably be revealed as Kate's brother or boyfriend or something. Speaking of Kate... Maggie finds that Kate herself along with two other girls are having brunch together. Also isn't that one girl the bitch who got possessed by the Harbinger last episode? Maggie is flipping out but she can't avoid Kate and tries to come up with an excuse on why she's been M.I.A. lately... Honey, can't you see Kate is just making a FOOL out of you? Why can't you just listen to Mel just once and realize Kappa life ISN'T for you? Fucking hell.
Mel is hosting a class and handing out cookies in hopes to reveal the Harbinger vessel, and when she finds out some girl I forgot her name woke up from her coma the night they vanquished the demon goo thingy, she freezes the room(more like the entire school) and gets an earful from Harry Houdini. But he's not angry for long cause OMG THEY FOUND THE HARBINGER VESSEL!!! GASP!!! But of course Harry gets the last laugh since he forcefully gives Mel this bracelet which helps him know whenever she uses Magic... yeah sorry, Harry isn't a whitelighter. Not at all.
At the lab, Macy is doing some research while Galvin is so fucking upset she isn't joining in the festivities. Please. They're talking science and I'm not paying attention not because I don't like this episode or show...which I don't, but I'm not paying attention because I don't really like science either... LOL. But Galvin makes an attempt of romance to turn Macy into cytosine... how fucking cheesy. Apparently Macy calls up Mel because...
Mel is now on the phone with Macy talking about Galvin. Mel is all for Macy and Galvin going out but Macy is like "But like what if I have to break up with him because I'm a witch???" All the while, the Harbinger or the demon of the week, I really haven't figured out what's going on yet... is stalking Macy. And we do indeed find out a second later it IS the Harbinger, but Macy makes her lucky escape only to have Mel come up to her... Oh this is going to be great!
The next scene isn't all too recap worthy, but Maggie is setting up her for her party and she basically asks the Book if she could use personal gain, which the book pretty much says yes... Is there no personal gain in this show?? Or are we gonna find out that the Book is a twisted little trope and will end up screwing Maggie over? Whatever because...
We're back to Mel and the Harbinger. Harby is giving a spiel about how she feels so fucking victimized since people are giving her weird ass looks while Mel is like "Uh huh... keep going... almost there..." She offers the cookies, but Harby is way too smart and comes up with an excuse about how her appetite isn't all that back yet. Mel, sweetie, toots, you're dealing with a HARBINGER OF HELL! You're not dealing with some ditzy ass sorority girl, you're dealing with a HARBINGER. OF. HELL!!! Fucking dumbass!!
When Mel leaves, Harby literally shoves her hand down her throat and takes the cookie out of her body!! Now I have to admit, that's really fucking cool! I do have to wonder though, what would have happened if Harby kept the cookie in? Hmm. When Mel is walking through the halls, she approached Niko who seems to be on an investigation and Mel thinks this is the best time to put the freeze on Niko and tell her her feelings. Of course Harry Potter knows Mel froze time and decided to pop in and check on her. Bitch, please! If this guy stalked me and watched my every move, I would fucking quit!!
NEWSFLASH MEL: HE IS NOT YOUR WHITELIGHTER!!!
Back at the Mansion, Macy and Mel meet up and talk about the Harbinger and how it's totally not Angela Wu. When Galvin texts Macy about Maggie's party, Harry and Mel know exactly who's behind it all(fucking obviously?). When the three goes inside, Maggie literally outdid herself in the personal gain department! She tries to convince her sisters and fake-lighter that she's doing this for them, but kinda admits that she's doing it for Kappa too. Duh.
So flashforward to the party, Harry is an English butler serving everyone the potion cookies, Macy is a judge but Maggie decides to give her a new costume, Mel by far has the best fucking costume ever, not gonna lie...I kinda wanna steal her idea TBH. It's an awesome witches costume. So back to Mel and Macy, Mel is trying hard to have Macy open up and be her sister while choosing a new costume for Macy which leads us to a sister moment...
Macy was sent to boarding school in Connecticut, she was in a class of 100 and only two were black and the rest were white so they were in a minority... Macy was always the smart and quiet one while her friend was the outgoing popular one. This leads Maggie into using her personal gain powder to turn Macy into a Greek Goddess. Oh My Goddess Part 1 and 2... Kill. Me. Now.
So Macy basically stuns the fuck out of Galvin, but she's not allowed to enjoy herself because Mel found out through Niko that two students and a Nun are dead. Why? Because the fucking Harbinger is killing virgins, whose blood is the strongest for demons... EXCUSE FUCKING ME??? VIRGIN BLOOD? ARE YOU SERIOUS?! WHAT THE FUCK KINDA MUMBO JUMBO IS THAT??? Jesus fucking Christ... Oh but don't worry, readers, because Harbinger shows up with her crusty ass skin and blood and fucking Mel thinks she's a genius at costumes...Good fucking God.
As Maggie is getting the dried whatever she needs because I wasn't really listening to Harry, the effects of her personal gain is showing!! DUN DUN DUNNNN! But before she can fall on her stupid fucking ass, the cutie from earlier is there just in time to catch her!! Awww how fucking adorable... ten bucks says he's a demon. Or a half breed.
Outside, Harry and Mel are preparing for the spell. Harry offers assistance, but Mel is not having it and tells Harry off, "I do NOT need a strong man to do what I need to do!" This actually leads into a nice little conversation, which I admit I appreciate. Mel never had to hide who she was from anyone because Marisol had always known she was gay. I can actually understand this because I know someone who went through this same thing. They, like Mel, never had to hide in the closet. But for Mel's situation, she's back in the closet but a witches closet, if you guys know what I mean.
Now with Macy, she's getting the candle needed for the spell and wonders how Mel and Maggie never knew they were witches. What with the candles and the herbs and all that jazz. Harby is stalking Macy... I TOTALLY GET IT NOW!!! MACY IS A VIRGIN!!! Which there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, my very amazing readers. If you wish to wait to have sex, that is totally awesome and completely 100% up to you.
But before Harby can do anything, Galvin virginblocks Harby to talk to Macy. He's basically ready to bail, but Macy makes him promise not to go anywhere just yet. Outside, the sisters casts the protection spell but it doesn't work because UH OHHHH, Harby is inside!! They need virgin blood to attract the Harbinger but where are they gonna get the virgin blood from? Why, Macy of course!!! Once we get back from commercial break, the sisters are talking about how it's okay to be a virgin and to wait for the right time to have sex with someone you love... something I can completely agree with!
As the sisters are getting ready to cast their spell, they find out OMG ANGELA IS THE HARBINGER WANTING TO BRING THE SOURCE BACK TO LIFE!!! Fucking... Ugh. Anyway, thanks to Maggie's use of personal gain to get the Kappa bitches happy, she fucks up the spell and Macy is basically Harbinger Berry Pie right now. Come and get it, Harby!! Fresh virgin blood pie ready for you!!!
Macy is running for her LIFE from Harby and when she's right about the get snatched up for dinner and desert, Maggie comes outta NOWHERE and slams the Harbinger with a fucking tree branch! Macy and Maggie are excitedly talking about how Macy was able to have control over her powers when the Harbinger wakes up and is about to attack when Mel screams at her sisters to get the fuck down and fucking Mel wants to be the fucking hero of the episode and casts the spell Harry specifically told her NOT TO CAST... AND KILLS MACY IN THE PROCESS LE GASP!!!
Macy is fine you guys, and Mel is feeling MAJOR GUILT VIBES right now. How dare she kill her sister!!! Harry successfully heals Macy, and while Macy and Maggie goes on to their ways, Harry confesses to Mel that she reminds him of another charge, Fiona, who was a lot like Mel. Unfortunately for Fiona, she began to doubt herself, was institutionalized and diagnosed as a schizophrenic. Poor Fiona. Mel promises not to be reckless anymore and Harry takes the magic bracelet off of her.
Maggie is on a mission to do personal gain damage control while Macy decides to hell with it and fucking kiss Galvin!!! OMG GIRL YOU KISSING A DEMON!!!! Seriously, he's a demon. We all know this.
OOOOOOOH!!!! I TOTALLY SAW THIS COMING!!!! I EVEN SAID SO EARLIER IN THIS RECAP!!!! PARKER, THE CUTE GUY WHO WAS FLIRTING WITH MAGGIE IS KATE'S BOYFRIEND!!! I KNEW IT!!!! YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW, MAGGIE VERA!!! MUAHAHAHAHA I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE FUCKING KATE PUNCH THE FUCK OUT OF MAGGIE!!!! MY MONEY IS ON KATE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! IN YOUR FACE, MAGGIE!!! Okay, I'm done... for now... Muahaha...
Mel is putting away her costume when Niko texts her asking if she could come over, but she can't because Mel is now holding the Harbinger of Hell hostage in the attic. Harby begins to act out and the girls meets Harry Potter in the attic... Basically the girls are now a proud owner of a pet Harbinger who can still bring about the apocalypse and raise the Source of all Evil... Yay...
Also Charity the Elder next week. Fucking can't wait.
Final episode score: D because it was pretty much... satisfactory?
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